The last 72+ hours have been a blur. I don’t know what day it is. My voice is raspy from talking to people nonstop. And, despite actually sleeping through the night, I feel anything but well-rested.
In my head, I’m still processing the news that my grandmother is gone. In my body, I feel the need to keep busy and spring into action. And in my heart, I am numb from shock and pain. If I learned anything over these past few days, it’s that despite knowing the end would one day come, you are never prepared to get that call.
Since this is the first loss I have experienced, I wasn’t sure what to expect in the aftermath. Would I want to be alone to grieve privately? Should I try to get back to my routine immediately? What would people think if I chose option one or option two? The truth is, grief is intensely personal. Candidly, I’ve been overwhelmed (in a good way) by the amount of love and support I’ve been surrounded with these last few days—and truth be told, I wasn’t expecting it. From friends who went to mass with me, took me to dinner, and offered to help me make calls and arrangements, I have yet to feel like I am grieving alone. But for an introvert like myself, it can also feel exhausting.
This week, while I continue to organize a ceremony to honor my grandmother’s 95-year-long life, I decided to let each day dictate what and how much I did. At the beginning of the week, I felt like I needed some barn time and wanted to be with the horses. Animals are so comforting in times of need, and I’m grateful to have a place where I can decompress with my four-legged companions and my favorite barn dog (aka my emotional support Jack Russell terrier seen above). While it feels strange to try to get back to my routine, I’ve found doing things that bring me peace, like taking a walk, visiting my local beach, or catching up with a supportive client, has been helpful.
So, if you see what looks like me going about my life on social media, remember that it’s not the whole picture. I may or may not post everything that is happening right now, but please know that what I do post is always my authentic self, and I am doing the best I can to figure it out as I go.