Some Pre-Birthday Thoughts…

As I prepare to celebrate my 37th trip around the sun next week, I find myself with mixed emotions. Usually, I’m making plans for my birthday month right as the calendar hits November 1. But this year, I’ve been in a very un-birthday-like mood when it comes to celebrating.

For starters, the fall has been a difficult time of grieving for me, as it reminded me of when my grandmother first went into the hospital this time of year two years ago, never to return home again. It’s also hitting me that I won’t be able to physically see her on my birthday like I did last year and for the past 36 years of my life. Something about celebrating in general has just felt off to me this year, so I’m giving myself space to do what I want when my birthday comes around. The other part of it is the turning 37 part. Not that the number itself bothers me, but I always thought I would be more settled at this point in my life (something I feel like I’ve said at every stage of my 30s). While I’m so proud of the business I’m building, especially these last few months, there are still a lot of personal decisions that I had put off making when my grandmother was in long-term care that I have to grapple with. And, it’s scary.

With every birthday comes this idea that everything will fall into place in the next year. At least, that’s how I’ve always looked at it. I’ve been most surprised recently by how comfortable I’ve become in the unknown (which is very unlike a Scorpio and a zodiac sign that always needs to be in control). I’ve found myself no longer making plans in advance and preferring to just wing things at the last minute. Heck, I even made it to a 7:30 AM Pilates class this week! I’m not sure if it’s related to the grieving process or just where I am in my life, but I’ve found myself able to embrace the little things, not freak out so much over the big things, and feel more of a sense of calm (even though as an entrepreneur, I have some big things to worry about).

So, as I embark on this next birthday, I’m going in feeling sad, a bit confused, kinda tired, but a whole lot excited about the life I’m building and where that’s going to take me (even though I haven’t worked out the how part yet, but I’m okay with that).