This past holiday week and weekend were not what I had in mind when I thought of Thanksgiving 2023. To be honest, I’m not sure what I thought the holiday would be like for me this year since I didn’t have any plans and was looking forward to a very mellow week at home. But life made plans that required me to head out of state for a few days to support a good friend.
While traveling, I had plenty of time in the car to think. One of the things I thought a lot about was how my grief seemed more consuming this time of year than it had been during the summer right after my grandmother passed away. Lately, almost everything triggers me. Whether it’s warming up a cup of coffee or someone else’s loss, it seems like it doesn’t take much to send me into tears. I’ve heard from friends that this is all quite normal and part of the grieving process, but as someone who doesn’t like to show my emotions, I keep waiting for the feelings to pass. But for the last few days, I’ve allowed them to come (really, I’ve had no other choice) and tried to move through the days as best I could.
Now that I’m home again, I’ve resumed my routine by heading to the barn, catching up with friends, and making up for lost sleep. But I keep thinking about the past week, and one feeling is very present—gratitude. When I arrived home on Thanksgiving night after many hours on the road, one of my clients texted me to let me know that she prepared a homemade Thanksgiving spread for me to enjoy. While I’m not much of a Thanksgiving person even on a good year, this gesture truly touched me and reminded me of all the years I spent with my grandmother preparing our own Thanksgiving meals, and how she would always send me home with the leftovers. At that moment, just knowing other people understood how I was feeling this holiday season and went out of their way to make me a part of their traditions meant everything to me.
As I prepare myself for things to continue to look and feel very different this year, I am grateful for my friends and those in my community who are helping me along. Whether it’s extending an invite for a seat at their holiday table, dropping off a meal, or just providing an ear to listen to my tears, I’ve learned that grief and gratitude can co-exist.
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