Honoring the Grief Journey: Navigating Loss and Healing

No matter how much time has passed since I lost my grandmother, certain days will always be hard for me. The day I took my grandmother to the hospital, which began our long two-year journey in a long-term care facility, is one of them. While the actual date of this event was Friday, October 4, this year, I remained off the grid for most of the day. I wasn’t ready to write about it on the blog, but instead, I did what has become my tradition on days I need to feel my grandmother’s presence—I bought flowers and went to her grave. 

As anyone who has lost a loved one knows, navigating grief is challenging, and it is very much a journey. While I will forever be grateful that my grandmother and I had a long and healthy relationship up until the end, there’s no way to prepare yourself for all of the emotions that emerge when you lose a loved one. I still miss our daily calls (often multiple throughout the day), my visits to see her and take her grocery shopping, and how she could tell what my day was like just by how I answered the phone. 

For me, processing my grief has meant taking days off that I know are going to be challenging, like the date when I took my grandmother to the hospital, her birthday, and the anniversary of her passing. On those days, I try to practice some extra self-care and take a long sanity stroll or go up to the barn and ride, which is what I did this year after I went to her grave. Fall has also become a hard season for me, as it marks my birthday and the start of the holidays, both of which I used to spend with her and now feel lost on. 

So much in my life has changed over the last couple of years. I returned to riding, started my own business, and began traveling again. But I also lost my identity as a caregiver. Often, I wonder what my grandmother would think about what my life looks like now. I imagine she would be worried that I left my 9-to-5 job, but she would be proud that I bet on myself. I know she would be thrilled that I returned to riding because she knew how much it meant to me my whole life. And I think she would admire my determination to improve the lives of current and future caregivers and their loved ones through my care fellowship with Caring Across Generations. 

While I don’t have all the answers when it comes to coping with grief, one thing that helps me get through those hard days is remembering that my grandmother lives on through the work that I do. Whether it’s sharing our story in long-term care or taking care of her grave, she is always with me as I advocate for others, and that brings me peace.